This is a topic that has been weighing on my heart for quite sometime and I hope someone can benefit from my experience. I have had the privilege of staying home with my oldest son for 2 years before I slowly went back to work. I have the rare view over the span of 2 children to have experienced 100% staying home, part-time work and full time working mommy and now (thank god) back to working part-time. Here is what I have learned over the past 7 years. I so did not appreciate being a stay at home mom, not at all. Now don't get all up in arms until you keep reading, then you can burn me at the stake.
Being a first time mom is absolutely terrifying and overwhelming. Thank god I did not have to juggle that with working full time, if I had I am not sure myself, my children or my marriage would have endured. That being said, being a full time working mom gave me a perspective from my husband's view that I never would have had before.
1. Being a parent is exhausting, but working and being a full time parent is doubly exhausting, I found myself coming home exhausted and mentally drained from work that I had a hard time connecting with my children. When I stayed at home with my oldest son he talked at 12 months, he walked at 9 months, he knew all of his alphabet at 2 and spoke like a 4 year old. It was a terrifying moment for me when I watched a video of my older son at 2 and you could understand him clearly and he could count for days, shortly after my younger son came into the room. He was the same age and knew none of his letters, barely talked and had hit barely any of the milestones my older one had at a much younger age. I knew in my heart that he was a different child but that I had failed him. I had not put enough time and effort into him as I had my older child and he was suffering because of it. Shortly after that I started adding books into bedtime and carved out a specific puzzle time. I think that it is easy to be an unattached parent when you are a stay at home mom too, so whether you are working or staying home or a little bit of both I have to be very mindful of how I spend my time. If the kids ask to read a book, read it. If they are playing video games, ask them to come play a board game with you instead. This is one I constantly struggle with.
2. When I stayed at home my husband would be exhausted and all I wanted him to do was take the kid so I could read a book and take a bath. Now, my husband and I are so much more aware of what kind of a day each other has had and we let each other relax if necessary. He knows that I need down time and I now know that he does too, so when he walks in the door now I don't just yell tag your it and hide in the bathroom until bedtime :) Although there are SOOO many days I want to. I think it is good to be understanding of them working but you are working too so on my husband's days off I take off for drinks with the girls, or a movie alone or just to shop in peace for an hour. I am still not very good at saying I need time, but I think as mothers we need to take a page out of the guy's book and just tell them you will be back in an hour.
2. I never appreciated the sacrifices my husband made to make sure I could stay home with our son. I think because I never made his sacrifices feel appreciated he began to feel resentful and then would overspend out of frustration. Now, after 3 years of 50-60 hour work weeks I am so appreciative of him when he picks up an off-duty shift to help supplement what we lost. Thank god he loves his job, that make it easier for him to work a ridiculous amount too.
3. I don't know what it is about being with your kids less but you literally have a lower tolerance to them. It used to drive me insane when my husband had not see our kids for 4 days and had been awake for 2 minutes and was already yelling at them. I remember thinking, oh my god what is your problem? You haven't seen them in days and all you can do is yell at them??" That was one of those foot in mouth situations for me when I started working full time. I had been working so much that I literally was seeing them 1 hour a day and in that hour I yelled about 20 times. I am convinced it is a sensory overload thing, you go to work and its so peaceful and quiet and no one is in your face and then BAM! you get home and your spouse is in your face and your kids are in your face and its so LOUD..... and before you know it,..... adult freak out moment. I also think that as a stay at home mom you totally grow a tolerance to it, so that helps. Now, when I see a freak out moment coming I am much more understanding and try to give it a little and peace and quiet on my husband's first day off.
4. Sometimes when you have an checked out husband the best thing that you can do for them is work part-time. My husband is amazing, he works hard and is amazing at his job and is an amazing father but the moment he gets off work sometimes it's like a switch. Super productive husband is now ...blah. He seriously called me the other day and asked me where I keep the cleaning supplies..... and no we did not just move in, I thought he was joking.....nope not even a little bit.... he didn't even know where to start looking. It was in that moment when I realized I totally enable him. In the past, I always go the family lined up to make sure his extra shifts were covered if we needed childcare or made sure the house was clean and did all the laundry without asking for help. I was exhausted and I am pretty sure he was convinced that we had Dobby living under our stairs. You are staying home but you are still working hard and I think it is very important that dads still pitch in. I think it is also very important for dads to set an example for their children that everyone in the family has to participate because they are a part of the family. I found out the hard way that I can't expect my son to do chores when he asks "why? daddy doesn't have to do anything." ouch. So, stop being supermom and ask him to help you carry up the laundry baskets or ask for help putting the clothes away. It is good for him and your children.
5. I totally should have cooked more because I appreciate nothing more after a horrendous day at work than not having to brave a restaurant or to start cooking. Seriously, it is heaven. I try very hard to make sure that I have dinner any day that he works now and miraculously he has started doing the same for me.
6. Lastly, being a Stay at home mom is hard and thankless but you will never regret it. I regret going back to work 3 weeks after having my son and missing out on most of his first 2 years and you will never have that regret. Cherish the opportunity to have that time with your child and be mindful that your spouse is giving you an amazing gift.
